As near as I can figure, these are the five stages of elder caregiving that correspond to the Kubler-Ross states of grief:
1. DELUSION. This is where you have boundless energy and think two lives are possible: one with you as caregiver, and one with you as successful entrepreneur.
2. FRUSTRATION. This is where you realize you have been delusional and have to make a choice between the two yous. The results are tress and guilt. Stress because your intentions are still lofty, but your body is getting tired. And guilt because you know you have to give up your own agenda, but want to keep it.
3. ANGER. This stage starts with resentment. You may start thinking part of what’s going on is on purpose—that your loved one is intentionally “pretending” some of the sickness. Or you think they’re not trying hard enough to cooperate with your care. You are in constant correction mode here, and getting angrier because your [barely] loved one keeps repeating the same frustrating behaviors (see Elder Rage).
4. DESPAIR. You finally get it that it’s not their fault. You accept that the disease is controlling your loved one and getting worse. You stop blaming them, and instead heap all the blame on yourself because you still think you ought to gain control over this caregiving business but can’t. Along with despair you have increased guilt and exhaustion.
5. RELEASE. In this stage you finally give up control. You realize you cannot do this entirely by yourself. You delegate care (maybe for a day or two of day care, maybe institutionalization). The result is considerably less stress; even joy; and certainly wisdom.
This is a terrific post, and it aptly describes the stages my husband and I went through as we encountered and coped with a parent’s stroke and post stroke dementia. I will be linking to it from my blog sometime in the next few days.
My sister disagrees with me on that last stage. She says stage five is “death to the caregiver.” And it is, if you don’t give up absolute control.
Just like you give-up control with children, when you are giving care or helping to care for a family member it is necessary to be as organized as possible, but also to realize that the control ball isn’t on the home court. Most of the time this helps with mental attitude, but I do remember numerous times when it felt like our health was also on the line — times your sister remembers so well.
[…] on CareGiver Stages of Mind At the Amazing Aging Mind blog, the author has posted her thoughts comparing the five stages of caregiving to the five stages of grief defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and […]
I like you Stages. We at Inside Aging Parent Care think it is so important for caregivers to recognize that what they are feeling about being a caregiver is just as important as what they are doing. In fact, moving through the predictable emotional stages has a great impact on the decisions made about what to do. We have come up with what we call The Family Caregiver Desperation Scale in an attempt to help caregivers find some objectivity in what can seem to be an overwhelming mass of emotions, events, demands and crises. You can see The Scale at http://www.desperatecaregivers.com/the-caregiver-desperation-scale
[…] memoir part follows Eleanor’s hyperventilated, drug and alcohol-sustained trek through the five stages of Alzheimer’s caregiving for her mother, Mary Durant; the biography chapters relate the […]
[…] Read: Five Stages of Caregiving […]