I’m having a hard go at it with my new resolution to spend more quality time with my mother.
It’s a very painful fact that I miss Dad and that I wish I had spent more “being time” with him instead of dividing my time between being and being productive. As I’ve mentioned before, in hindsight, all you want is to be near the one you’ve lost just a few more minutes. Nothing else matters but being in the person’s presence and having them know you are there.
I want to do this with Mom, but Alzheimer’s presents a huge problem. Whenever I see Mom sitting alone, it kills me because she looks so terribly alone. So I go sit with her, and on a good day—most days—she is riveted with my presence. But the second I leave her sight—to fling clothes from the washer to the dryer; to use the bathroom; to make a cup of tea—she is completely alone again. And in those moments—from her perspective—she has always been and always will be alone. There is no memory of my having been in her presence all morning other than a few moments of necessary “productive time.”
I hate this disease. There is no sufficient quality time you can give someone with Alzheimer’s. As a caregiver, it feels like there is no neutral status for you as a human being: you are either benevolent or malevolent; sacrificial or selfish; worthy or worthless.
Alzheimer’s isn’t a one-man disease; it does a pretty good job of spreading the pain around.
I read this and thought the only thing you can do is Love the person. As you read in ‘Just a Word’ there were many times I just sat and tried connecting with Carol’s being. Not necessarily her thoughts, or what she had in her head. But what she had in her Heart and Soul. Mainly the connection between us. There were times I felt it, I remember, and at times now go back and read my own words to stir my memory. All I can say it was a beautiful time, That Connection, and the times I didn’t have it, It was awful and hated the disease for doing this to her, as you write in your piece.
When I heard her say in my mind, ‘Who are you keeping me alive for? Me or You?’ That’s when I stopped all antibiotics, and let her go. I know what you’re going through Marty, You’re not alone.
Thank you, Rose. How empty we would be if we focused on gaining the material world and losing our friends. You’re right. The most important thing is giving of yourself-your time, as meager a gift as it often seems.
I don’t know if this will be of help to you or your mom, but I want to pass on something that my genius sister did for my mom. They went together to one of those bear stores and created a bear for Mom. She called the bear Gordy and loved him from the first minute. She had Gordy with her day and night for the rest of her life. She talked to him and I’m sure Gordy talked to her. Prior to this she had been very depressed, but she died a year or so later and she was happy in those last months of her life.
I think the intuition that they are lonely may be right. Mother’s bear never had to go to the bathroom or sleep-he was always there to keep her company.
That is too funny! My oldest brother’s name is Gordy… Thanks for the idea and the smile. : )